Cute: An early impression of a new co-worker

Carolyn is haole-Chinese and cute like a Disney character. She walks into a bar with her sweet Valley girl accent and guys start stumble over themselves to get to her.

“Carolyn is really nice but I think I would like her better if she weren’t such a...vortex,” Carly said.

“Yeah when we go to the bar it’s always me and Carly hanging out smoking because of course Carolyn is surrounded by all the guys,” Andrea added.

“Yeah, of course,” I agreed, as if I went out with them all the time and observed this for myself.

“She’s even taking the dorky guys too,” Andrea continued. “I was talking to this one really dorky guy. He was kind of fat and had a pot belly and was balding but he was really, really nice. He was so sweet. And then Carolyn walked over and he was like, ‘You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen on the island.’ And Carolyn--I don’t know why she said this--said, ‘Why don’t you tell Andrea how beautiful she is?’ And the guy was like, ‘Oh, oh yeah, you’re really cute.’ And I was like, ‘Shut up! I don’t want your pity compliments.’”

When cornered, Carolyn feigns ignorance about all this.

“It’s not like ALL the guys are hitting on me,” she said.

“Yes they are,” Andrea replied.

Carolyn giggled. She drives a white pick-up truck and has a perfectly bronzed skin and tangly brown hair with blonde streaks. Even her angry face is cute.

The first night she went out, she got hit on at Durty Jake’s. She came into work, peeked over her desk at me and said, “Andrea is so funny. The other night this bartender, I guess he was flirting with me. He gave me his phone number and Andrea hit me and said, ‘I hate you!’ She’s so funny. She said, ‘I’ve been here eight months and nobody hits on me. I hate you!’”

Carolyn looks genuinely tickled by this.

I wonder if I should throw my stapler at her.

Instead I say, “Well It’s cause you look like a local girl.”

“Really? Like, everybody keeps saying that and I don’t understand why.”

“Well, you’re mixed and you’re really, really tanned.”

“Really?”

Because Carolyn has the Valley girl accent it’s hard to tell whether she’s playing dumb or actually dumb.

But she is honestly a sweetie though, so I use my right hand to force my left hand to let go of the stapler.

Besides, even Carolyn isn’t perfect.

When I was talking to Brian about her affect on guys, he took a swig of his soda and shook his head. “I don’t know. She’s not all that. She doesn’t do it for me. I think it’s that Valley girl accent. And she’s got big arms.”

I stared at him. “Big arms?”
He flexed his biceps for emphasis. “You know? Arms? Her arms are bigger than mine, man. No way. Not attractive.”

“Big arms? What is this a Seinfield episode?”

Brian laughed and shrugged. “I don’t know man. She just doesn’t do it for me.”