A Montage of Maile Moments

On the local newspaper's redesign

"So I was shocked when I saw the new newspaper!" Maile exclaimed as she climbed into my car. "I mean it was huge! So big! I wasn't used to seeing it that big! But you know what? There were only one or two local stories in the whole thing."

"Well, it's bigger alright," Baron agreed. "It's a great size for making paper hats."

Maile laughed. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. And also boats."

"I imagine it's also good for lining bird cages," Maile added.

"Nah," I said. "Too big. I bet the old paper was the perfect size for bird cages."

"But it's good for dogs," Baron interjected.

On the Middle East conflict

We arrive at the Kona Brewing Co. and Maile is still chanting the cheer she learned from a British friend in China:

"Who ate the pie?
Who ate the pie?
You fat bastard!
You fat bastard!
You ate the pie!"

Occasionally she even strikes a cheerleader pose.

The cheer refers to Ariel Sharon, Israel's prime minister who, I guess, the British consider a "fat bastard."

On the state of toilets

Waiting for our meal to arrive at the Kona Brewing Co., Maile strikes up a conversation with fellow world-trotter Jim, about the international state of toilets.

"Literally, in China, there are people peeing on troughs!" Maile exclaimed. "They have these stalls, without doors and you have to stick your elbows out like this---" She pauses to demonstrate, sticking her elbows out like a chicken. "--to balance while you're peeing. Everytime I go out there are always these little Chinese women squatting over these troughs."

Sometimes, there isn't even a trough. Just a hole in the ground and you have to squat over that.

"These people think they're going to take over the world!" Maile exclaimed. "They can't even make a seat for their toilet. I mean, how do these people enjoy their newspaper while taking a crap? You can't! You're too busy concentrating on squatting!"

"Well maybe they use their toilet time to do other things," I suggested. "Maybe they're contemplating larger world issues as they squat."

"Like what?" Maile exclaimed. "They're not reading the paper!"

"Although it is rather amazing given all the contemplation time that they haven't contemplated inventing a toilet seat," I added.

"But I was thinking about this," she continued. "And I think that there is a great business opportunity for me. I already discussed it with one of my friends at the University and he agreed with me. I want to contact someone in the government and have them hire me as a toilet consultant."

"A what?!"

"A toilet consultant. That way when Westerners come to China for these conferences I can go in and test all the toilets and see how they rate. I can tell them how they could make things better, like if the toilet paper dispenser is too low, for instance."

"Sounds like the toilet paper dispenser is the least of their problems."

"Oh, it is."

"But it'll be great," I said. "You could print up business cards: Maile....she's full of shit."

"Ha ha ha ha. Or how about this? Maile...she's a royal flush!"