No unsolicited advice, please.

Sometimes I wonder what people think when they see me and Chris together. Mostly I assume we blend right in, no eyebrows raised because in today's world, there's nothing unusual about an interracial couple right?

Still sometimes I wonder. Like when we walked into the sporting good store today and Chris just reached out and gave my ass a pat. It never bothered me before, but now I wonder if people see him do stuff like that and assume it's some dominance thing? Lately this thought has really been bugging me. I can get like this. Totally wrapped and warped over what other people might be thinking.

Like when I had lunch with the photog on Saturday, and he looked across the table at me and said, "Karen, you know what would make you happy? A bicycle. You need to get out and ride a bicycle and let the sun shine down on your happy head and you'd be happy. This is what I decree as your life coach."

I laughed, because the whole spiel was kind of done in humor. I know there was some truth to it, though. A lot of people see me as unhappy, worried, stressed, depressed. This is the vibe I give off at work, and in a lot of social situations. And it bothers me. It bothers me a lot, and sometimes I seek out advice from others.

I'll sit across someone and say, "I wonder if I'll ever be happy. I wonder why I'm always so stressed. OK. I shouldn't be stressed. OK. I won't be. Stop looking at me like that, I'm serious this time."

And these people, most of them, feel the need to give me some advice, some reassurance, some gesture of sympathy, something.

These people, not all of them, but some of them are dangerous though. They give out these things because it makes them feel better. They feel important, I think, guiding me in their idea of the right path. And in my many moments of insecurity I pretend to go along with them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to have more faith in myself. So I'm not happy all the time. Who is? Sometimes I'm sad, stressed, downright snarky and mean. Who isn't?

I don't need a bicycle. I need to fucking stand up for myself, and take some responsibility.

I don't know. I'm just trying to work this all out.