Grandma

I don't know why I was surprised or hurt. She rarely has anything to say beyond a litany of complaints, especially when those outside the family are within earshot. But still. I went to see my grandma* at the care home today and she barely said a word to me. Just kept watching the Filipino TV show her Catholic Charity nurses had turned on the TV.

"Grandma, I'm going to New Mexico on Friday."

She looked at me and said, "You can't go."

"I can't go? What do you mean?"

And she clammed up. Maybe she could see how obviously I was seeking kind words from her, a sign that she would miss me while I am gone, and those words were so close I had to press. So she clammed.

"Mom didn't come cause she caught a cold," I said, changing the subject.

"New Mexico is going to be cold you know."

"Not so much anymore."

"I wish I could take it away."

"Huh? Take what away?"

"The cold. I wish I could take it away! But I can't. I can't even do anything."

And she teared up.

The rest of the visit was mostly silence broken by my saying, "What are you thinking Grandma?" and her pursing her lips.

I believe deep down that my grandma loves me, that she will miss me, that she has always had a hard time expressing herself and the stroke five years ago has made it worse. I still wish I had the words, the magic words, to make her suddenly more expressive, to make myself feel better.

*My mom's mother, not my dad's who celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary last year and who I usually talk about. My mom's mother owned Li Po until she had the stroke. (Scroll down. That's her in "Quite the Pair" walking arm-in-arm with my grandpa, her husband).