Bleh

Today, while on the way to an assignment I turned to the photographer and said something like, "My friends would be aghast if they came to Farmington. They would be like, 'Why the fuck are you living here?'"

We were driving along a windy road with the mesa looming before us, the sunset making it glow a pretty pink.

"Look at this," the photographer said, motioning to the view. "It's not all bad. You have to be more optimistic."

"I know, I know, it's really pretty," I agreed. "It's not all bad. I like some things about being here."

But they were hollow words. I'm sure anyone who comes across the past three months of posts about New Mexico and how I hate New Mexico, would draw the conclusion that New Mexico is not the problem, that my attitude is the problem.

Believe me, I've pondered this and it bothers me because blaming New Mexico is easier than changing my attitude. The implications of this being an attitude problem are daunting. It means that I may not be happy anywhere.

But I swear, I looked at the mesa, and its desert beauty did not resonate within me. I knew I should think it was pretty, that other people drive by and see its beauty, but I didn't actually think it was. When I'm around people who genuinely like living here I feel like the outcast high school student who just mumbles empty words of agreement to fit in with whoever has the most sway in the immediate social situation.

This blog was started as a humorous commentary on every day life. But it's not humorous any more because I'm not laughing. To tell you the truth I'm not doing much extracurricular writing, writing just for myself, in general anymore. And I've always had my writing, through everything else. How funny, I thought that by moving I'd grow as a writer. Perhaps I'm growing as a person, but I feel the writer in me withering.

I don't think I'll be updating for awhile.