Just stating the obvious. Again.

Yesterday, when I couldn't get in touch with Chris, I was truly worried. As soon as we talked today, we began bickering. I told Chris I felt like such a pathetic girl worrying when he didn't call for one night and then accused him of condoning such behavior, even thinking it's sweet. He didn't deny it.

Somehow he got around to telling me I can be mean sometimes and I told him I just don't like being all simpery and pathetic.

And he said, "I know, I know. You don't want to be needy."

That is exactly it. I don't want to be, but despite myself, I can be in some ways.

I pondered this for awhile after we hung up and I decided that I don't have to be simpery and needy just to show I care about someone. Oh my God, did I just say that? The other voices in my head are converging now to resist this heinous, compassionate change of attitude.

Anyway it's easier to put this down in writing than to say it out loud. Because when I was whipping myself up into a frenzy of worry, I almost rediscovered the questionable habit of trying to bribe Him (i.e. I promise to always be good as long as you grant me this one thing...). I once even invented a scheme where I imagined I had a bank account in Heaven from which He could withdraw money as compensation for favors to me. But let's please not get into that for now.

So in my worry I was telling God that I would say all these nice things to Chris if he called me, etc., etc. And of course once he called and I established he was OK, I didn't.

I'm a conflicted coward like that sometimes.

All this to say. I really like you, Chris.

* * * * *

On a funnier note, I IM'd Joel earlier today and he immediately asked me about Chris. "What happened?"

"Oh. His phone ringer wasn't working and he'd fallen asleep."

"HA HA HA HA HA."