I'm unraveling, like that sweater in the Weezer song

I am in Hilo and I really, really want to be somewhere else.

My father hasn't made me feel this bad since I was a teenager. I am sure he's insane. I am sure it's more complicated than that. I am sure there's nothing, nothing I can do about it.

I am going to start a new job in a new state next month and I just want to move forward.

I guess, somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could put all those years behind me, those years when I hated my dad and went days without talking to him. I guess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought maybe he felt bad about it too, and he would let me scream at him, get it all out and then he'd hug me and it would be over.

It never occurred to me that he could resent me as much as I resented him. That is my arrogance I suppose. But I saw a side of him that is mean and childish and no better than me at my worse.

Rarely do you get perfect closure. I think, for my own emotional well being, I now just move forward, without expectation of any kind of resolution. If it happens fine, if not, let me at least be able to function in society.

I sure am glad, and think I am justified, in not telling my family about Chris. They are truly insane. When I'm around them I feel like I'm going insane too.